1. Play porn in the background of readings, sound off, just that scene from 101 ½ Women in 3 Hours where the woman that looks like Betsy from back home gets banged by some giant dildo, while I read my poems about sucking at religion or being way lonely.
2. If you write a poem about nature, it also has to be about baseball and writing poems. Title it “Mickey Mantle Made From The Maple I Chopped Down While Writing This Poem” or “Carlton Fish Poem Poem.”
3. I’ve got a norm: the way parents are expected to take their kid to football practice and watch their shitty rendition of South Pacific, poetry parents are expected to drive them to poetry practice and buy copies of their child poet’s book, and if the child doesn’t have a book, they should buy five copies of their child poet’s friend’s book, if he/she has any friends.
4. Poets have to exercise one hour a day, preferably tennis, disc golf, or basketball.
5. Disable all anonymous comments, real life or virtual reality, man.
6. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
7. Real poems replace that shit in Hallmark cards, replace the pledge of allegiance, replace wedding vows, replace the directions on pizza boxes, replace tornado warnings, replace The State Of The Union Address, replace your News Feed, replace your liver, replace anarchy, replace the phrase “JFK has been shot,” replace the atomic bomb, replace beer bongs, replace babysitters, replace this list.
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Monday, December 20, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
I wrote my own answers to Laffy Taffy Jokes.
Sara bought this big bag of Laffy Taffy, each little sugar rectangle with its own TWO jokes. Awful probably. I stopped reading the answers. Here is what I think instead:
How do billboards talk?
With their money, it’s all about the BENJAMINS BABY!
What kind of chain is edible?
Nerd ropes rulez.
When does it rain money?
When everyone is hovering in those space cars like in the movies and the bank is transporting the bills to pay off the national debt and boom a terrorist blows it up and it makes it rain. So the future, my answer is the future.
What did the judge say to the racket?
SHUT UP IDIOT!
What kind of teeth can you buy with a dollar?
Those dumb Billy-bob or Fiddly-Jim or whatever teeth from the Dollar tree which could obviously be offensive to certain types of people, who likely shop at Dollar Tree, the poor and the uneducated, but we don’t think of that because we are worried about getting syphilis or (not) killing babies. Hu-uck.
What is an owl’s favorite subject?
Anatomy.
In what month do people talk the least?
The answer on the Laffy Taffy is “February because it’s the shortest month of the year!” Oh god that is dumb.
What did the little boy tell the game warden?
Help me! Help me! I accidently shot my dad in the head and he is bleeding all over the rain-proof hunting (Mossy-oak, not Real-tree) jacket mom gave up smoking cigarettes for a month to buy him for Christmas. I am young and shouldn’t be carrying a gun but dad said don’t be a pussy, so when he was coming back from peeing, I thought he was a deer, a big fat deer, and thought man I’m gonna show dad who the pussy is when I have a huge ass deer and he doesn’t. but it was him and he was going ohhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhh, so I ran and found you Mr. Game Warden. Thankz.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
DUMMY DUM DUM.
Why didn’t the duck cross the grill?
Because it was afraid of Paul Wall’s face.
What does a chicken and a band have in common?
They both shred sometimes, as long as it’s a sweet dope metal band and the chicken is going in an enchilada, yum yum.
Where does an alien get its milk?
Space Cows!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Which candy can’t get anywhere on time?
John Candy because he’s dead.
What is the definition of a farmer?
farmer |ˈfärmər|
noun
1 a person who owns or manages a farm.
2 [with adj. ] historical a person to whom the collection of taxes was contracted for a fee.
ORIGIN late Middle English : from Old French fermier, from medieval Latin firmarius, from firma (see farm ). Sense 1 originally denoted a bailiff or steward who farmed land on the owner's behalf, or a tenant farmer.
Which runs faster, hot or cold?
Cold because I’m in the mountains and these streams are freezin’ dude and woah do they barrel down that mountain like a bullet a frozen cold bullet.
What do you call a happy cherry?
I ate a bag of cherries this week. They didn’t seem sad or anything, so I’ll go with “the ones in my belly.”
Why did the old woman tie skates on the rocking chair?
Because she was tired of all the kids leaving burning bags of crap on her porch and she would just say “I’m gonna get you!” but really just rock in place. Now, she uses an old broom as a paddle of sorts and vroom runs those kids down and maces them. Her daughter bought her a can of mace for Christmas after that thug Bobby Dulaine stole her purse at Kmart.
What do you get when you send a cow to Alaska?
A pissed off cow.
What kind of key doesn’t open a lock?
A skeleton key because man those are so old like in scary creepy wicked houses and we are in 2010 people, so ain’t no way we using a skeleton key. Our keys are made of holographics or something cool and new age/cool age, know what I’m saying. Sometimes, we just say, voila and woah the lock becomes un-ed. But man those skeleton keys are old like dead bones.
How do mules open locked barns?
By kicking them down. Them mules so mad about being half donkey and half horse. All the kids make fun of them and they had it. The barn is a place to go. Let’em in.
What did one autumn leaf say to another?
DANG DUDE YOU ABOUT TO DIE!
Why was the student’s report card wet?
Because the kid’s dog peed on his homework. Duh.
Why was the tomato blushing?
It wasn’t. Stop with all the personification, lame-o.
Why do melons always have big weddings?
Big melons=big life=big weddings=big eyes=big woooooo
How did the frog cross the road?
Some old golfer dude was frog gigging, stabbed the frog in question, and walked to the other side of the road, with said frog in his frog gigging pouch, because he parked there, his Oldsmobile.
There were two cool ones on the wrappers that I HAHAHAHA'ed at:
What is green and hits trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
Why did the mouse run away from home?
He found out his father was a rat.
How do billboards talk?
With their money, it’s all about the BENJAMINS BABY!
What kind of chain is edible?
Nerd ropes rulez.
When does it rain money?
When everyone is hovering in those space cars like in the movies and the bank is transporting the bills to pay off the national debt and boom a terrorist blows it up and it makes it rain. So the future, my answer is the future.
What did the judge say to the racket?
SHUT UP IDIOT!
What kind of teeth can you buy with a dollar?
Those dumb Billy-bob or Fiddly-Jim or whatever teeth from the Dollar tree which could obviously be offensive to certain types of people, who likely shop at Dollar Tree, the poor and the uneducated, but we don’t think of that because we are worried about getting syphilis or (not) killing babies. Hu-uck.
What is an owl’s favorite subject?
Anatomy.
In what month do people talk the least?
The answer on the Laffy Taffy is “February because it’s the shortest month of the year!” Oh god that is dumb.
What did the little boy tell the game warden?
Help me! Help me! I accidently shot my dad in the head and he is bleeding all over the rain-proof hunting (Mossy-oak, not Real-tree) jacket mom gave up smoking cigarettes for a month to buy him for Christmas. I am young and shouldn’t be carrying a gun but dad said don’t be a pussy, so when he was coming back from peeing, I thought he was a deer, a big fat deer, and thought man I’m gonna show dad who the pussy is when I have a huge ass deer and he doesn’t. but it was him and he was going ohhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhh, so I ran and found you Mr. Game Warden. Thankz.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
DUMMY DUM DUM.
Why didn’t the duck cross the grill?
Because it was afraid of Paul Wall’s face.
What does a chicken and a band have in common?
They both shred sometimes, as long as it’s a sweet dope metal band and the chicken is going in an enchilada, yum yum.
Where does an alien get its milk?
Space Cows!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Which candy can’t get anywhere on time?
John Candy because he’s dead.
What is the definition of a farmer?
farmer |ˈfärmər|
noun
1 a person who owns or manages a farm.
2 [with adj. ] historical a person to whom the collection of taxes was contracted for a fee.
ORIGIN late Middle English : from Old French fermier, from medieval Latin firmarius, from firma (see farm ). Sense 1 originally denoted a bailiff or steward who farmed land on the owner's behalf, or a tenant farmer.
Which runs faster, hot or cold?
Cold because I’m in the mountains and these streams are freezin’ dude and woah do they barrel down that mountain like a bullet a frozen cold bullet.
What do you call a happy cherry?
I ate a bag of cherries this week. They didn’t seem sad or anything, so I’ll go with “the ones in my belly.”
Why did the old woman tie skates on the rocking chair?
Because she was tired of all the kids leaving burning bags of crap on her porch and she would just say “I’m gonna get you!” but really just rock in place. Now, she uses an old broom as a paddle of sorts and vroom runs those kids down and maces them. Her daughter bought her a can of mace for Christmas after that thug Bobby Dulaine stole her purse at Kmart.
What do you get when you send a cow to Alaska?
A pissed off cow.
What kind of key doesn’t open a lock?
A skeleton key because man those are so old like in scary creepy wicked houses and we are in 2010 people, so ain’t no way we using a skeleton key. Our keys are made of holographics or something cool and new age/cool age, know what I’m saying. Sometimes, we just say, voila and woah the lock becomes un-ed. But man those skeleton keys are old like dead bones.
How do mules open locked barns?
By kicking them down. Them mules so mad about being half donkey and half horse. All the kids make fun of them and they had it. The barn is a place to go. Let’em in.
What did one autumn leaf say to another?
DANG DUDE YOU ABOUT TO DIE!
Why was the student’s report card wet?
Because the kid’s dog peed on his homework. Duh.
Why was the tomato blushing?
It wasn’t. Stop with all the personification, lame-o.
Why do melons always have big weddings?
Big melons=big life=big weddings=big eyes=big woooooo
How did the frog cross the road?
Some old golfer dude was frog gigging, stabbed the frog in question, and walked to the other side of the road, with said frog in his frog gigging pouch, because he parked there, his Oldsmobile.
There were two cool ones on the wrappers that I HAHAHAHA'ed at:
What is green and hits trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
Why did the mouse run away from home?
He found out his father was a rat.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
This Is One Big Joke
The problem with this new family is they don’t get my jokes. My insides are hurting, holding in the chuck-chuck-chuckles I can’t give outloud to myself, and they stare at me like my name is Vlad. Conservative chicken farmers meet disgruntled poet. Okay. Like today, when everyone is hot and bothered by the heat, stressed out by new-Mom not letting anyone wander within 3 feet of the edge, I say, we all should just chill dudes, sticking my hands out like riding a surf board, hanging ten or whatever. They’re like, whatever Keanu. Okay. That’s not true. But really, I stole one from my dad, he is old and funny, saying smoke another one when someone coughs, Nothing, just looks that say, we don’t believe in cigarettes. Saying the dust is getting in her lungs, that’s not funny. What?! Later, I’m at the top of a big old rock, I see new-Mom sweating panic, I’m so close to the edge, so I throw my hands up, raising the roof, maybe shaking my booty a little. Just shouts of WATCH OUT and crooked eyebrows. Man, I think, Zach would be stoked, smiling his big wide smile. The worst part is they don’t even appreciate domestic violence jokes, like when Sara calls me a slow-poke or a wuss or dumbhead while climbing some jagged rocks and I say,shut up I’m going to rip your face off. Everyone checking my fists, new-sister cowering in a crevice. Jeremy would be saying, Whoa man. Watch yourself. Clark would get the joke. Come on people.
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