Monday, December 20, 2010

7 Ways to Improve Poetry

1. Play porn in the background of readings, sound off, just that scene from 101 ½ Women in 3 Hours where the woman that looks like Betsy from back home gets banged by some giant dildo, while I read my poems about sucking at religion or being way lonely.

2. If you write a poem about nature, it also has to be about baseball and writing poems. Title it “Mickey Mantle Made From The Maple I Chopped Down While Writing This Poem” or “Carlton Fish Poem Poem.”

3. I’ve got a norm: the way parents are expected to take their kid to football practice and watch their shitty rendition of South Pacific, poetry parents are expected to drive them to poetry practice and buy copies of their child poet’s book, and if the child doesn’t have a book, they should buy five copies of their child poet’s friend’s book, if he/she has any friends.

4. Poets have to exercise one hour a day, preferably tennis, disc golf, or basketball.

5. Disable all anonymous comments, real life or virtual reality, man.

6. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

7. Real poems replace that shit in Hallmark cards, replace the pledge of allegiance, replace wedding vows, replace the directions on pizza boxes, replace tornado warnings, replace The State Of The Union Address, replace your News Feed, replace your liver, replace anarchy, replace the phrase “JFK has been shot,” replace the atomic bomb, replace beer bongs, replace babysitters, replace this list.


shaun said...

This was badass except I will never do #4 ever! unless you count smoking as exercise, which no human being does

Tyler G said...


HAHA. Thanks. That's a personal hope. Trying to merge my interests there. Ha.

"unless you count smoking as exercise, which no human being does" is a good quote.

Are you gonna make it to Muncie?

shaun said...

Unfortunately it is not looking that way - I wish I knew more people that were still doing the NWI-Muncie thing, especially right now when I am vehicle-less

Tyler G said...

Bummer man. Well, have a good holiday. If you are ever in the area, hit me up.

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